I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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