went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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