i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
