you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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