i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
