Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
