Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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