I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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