So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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