i already hear my dad disowning me
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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