So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i came on her dog
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
