I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
