You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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