on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
