So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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