so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
