I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
