Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
