I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
