I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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