Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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