i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
