I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
