I am puke
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
