My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
