You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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