Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I AM VODKA MAN
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
