so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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