I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
