Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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