I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
