please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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