I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
