I wish I could teleport
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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