I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
