pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
