i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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