unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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