When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
