You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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