I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
