A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
