I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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