if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
