So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
