he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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