My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
