An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
