your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize