don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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