I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You are the jesus of drinking
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
