His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
im on a boat
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