Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
