Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
