some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My feet surprised me
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