Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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