Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
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