Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Randomize
