I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Randomize
