Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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