i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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