You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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