Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
