somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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