I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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