I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
