Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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