if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
