bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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