Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
