I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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