She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
