It's like a parade of train wrecks.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
